Some of these films have (not so) excellent lessons attached to their nostalgic glow. No exception to this, Home Alone (which, like the Mummy movies, had the misfortune of some obnoxious film to come along and steal the slot for its third installment) just happens to be a leader in teaching said lessons via timeless entertainment.
Disclaimer: I will always treasure the first two Home Alone films for their place in my childhood and in Christmas movie marathons.
5. A film's entertainment can consist entirely of gratuitous violence and still be successful.
It's nothing new for a film to be as stuffed with violence as a cannoli with cream. Yet when you think about it both of the Home Alone films literally depend on just how many potentially lethal (or at least highly dangerous) things an eight year old can mastermind and implement on a pair of knuckle dragging idiots. Let's see, there's the assorted critical blows to the head and upper torso regions by household objects such as paint cans and a freaking IRON, a blow torch I repeat a BLOW TORCH to the head, and oh geez HOW many times did the Wet Bandits slip, get pushed, fall, etc. down stairs, through TWO FLOORS, off a building, etc. etc.? (They don't want to talk about it).
Yet the film was by most standards a success. The first Home Alone film had only the THIRD highest gross in 1990... No big deal.
4. It's okay to fabricate an exorbitant amount of actually lethal attacks on a pair of stupid burglars to protect a houseful of insured possessions.
Or in the case of the second film, to distract a pair of really dumb crooks (so dumb I don't get how they escaped from prison in the first place) from, er, well that's not really clear; perhaps just to mess with them until it was time to call the cops (which was really when Kevin first got lost, but oh well).
The stuff in your house is more valuable than your life. This is what Home Alone teaches us. When a pair of violent (albeit stupid but still violent) crooks descend upon your house it is wise to turn into a kid version of Rambo and defend it yourself.
3. Criminals can be complete morons.
While this isn't exactly the revelation of the century, Home Alone teaches us that some criminals are REALLY stupid. I mean, naming yourselves "The Wet Bandits" and effectively connecting yourself to EVERY robbery you've committed with your hallmark (at least the jury won't get hung up on lack of evidence), touching a STEAMING, GLOWING-RED door knob and wondering why your hand practically burns off, and continuing a robbery with the knowledge that the house is OCCUPIED (even if it's just a kid), stupid.
I've heard of some dumb crooks. E.g. the idiot who broke into a car, stole a bunch of stuff, and left behind the camera because it apparently wasn't worth anything but not before taking a picture of himself. With the camera. Pretty dumb.
Now these guys in Home Alone, they take the cheesecake to go because their stupidity matched the camera incident and pretty much multiplied itself over. I mean, come on, a freaking eight year old outsmarted them. In two movies. Granted said eight year old also managed to get away with a crap ton of property and financial damage without any apparent impunity (save for the token, KEVIN?!!! line at the end).
But seriously, if all criminals were that dumb I'm willing to say the world would be a better place.
2. Parents can be complete morons.
Possibly worse than the dumb criminals are that some parents are total idiots. Another truism and another instance that Home Alone really steps up its A-game.
The parents lose their freaking kid not once but TWICE in as many movies. Okay, the first one they left him behind on a family trip to France.
Wait.
No it's okay, the film shows how the pesky neighborhood boy who was conveniently wearing a hat and had his back turned during the family roll call the morning of the departure was the reason why no one noticed little Kevin was missing until a good couple HOURS into the dang flight. Honey, I keep thinking we forgot something. No, not the coffee maker. No, not the garage door. Oh, I remember, OUR EIGHT YEAR OLD!
And as if the family didn't learn their lesson the first time around, they decide the next year it's a good idea to go to New York City. And subsequently lose their kid. Again.
Parents of the year material there.
The sad thing is, there are some legitimately awful parents out there. At least Kevin's parents really do love him, even if they always losing track of him and have no idea about the mortal danger he's been through.
And finally...
1. It's NOT okay under almost any circumstance to find a freaking gold tooth lying around in your house.
Especially when you've been out of town and have no real way of knowing exactly who has (and hasn't) been in your home.
(I added the "almost any" in there for the sake of logic.)
Come on, I realize you guys are incredibly wealthy but even your mini-mansion can't possibly materialize gold from its rare Peruvian rain forest wood floors. This kind of goes back to the parenting issue, in this case how parents can be so freaking thick as to not be able to tell that essentially a full on WAR occurred in their house in a matter of a few days.
Honey, what's this? It looks like a gold tooth. Huh.
Based on their track record the McCallister family is doomed, which may possibly explain why the third installment was hijacked...
The lineup:
- Don't try this at home applies to what happens in those gratuitous violence movies I spoke of earlier.
- Just call the police.
- Instill in your children to call the police (or at least a neighbor or relative) if you neglect their presence on a family trip out of the country, leaving them home alone.
- Also teach your children to not talk to strange old men when no one else is around.
- Call the police when you observe potentially dangerous (even if dumb) crooks canvassing your neighborhood... ESPECIALLY when said crooks are peeping in your windows... when your house is freaking under siege... CALL THE POLICE.
Now excuse me, I have a movie to watch. Cheers!
Signed,
RF
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