What will become of you, the poor soul who, after relieving yourself, goes for the padded white roll located conveniently near your throne, only to discover a very thin sheet of tissue separating you from the coarse brown tube of emptiness? Who will be your voice when you're sitting uncomfortably in the bathroom, debating the options.
Do you yell and hope a fellow housemate will hear? Do you further hope he or she will take pity and come to your rescue?
Perhaps that would be too awkward or the only person around is your roommate's boyfriend or you're not even in your own home or that of a close friend's. Perhaps you're at a friend of the family's party. You just ducked in for a quick freshen up.
If you're at home, and you're still unrelieved (which is unfortunate given what you set out to do in that room in the first place), do you attempt to separate the brown cardboard and use that? Do you eye a bath towel, with plans to bleach it or pitch it after? Do you consider replacing your clothing as loosely as possible and go in search of toilet paper yourself? Do you weigh the chances of getting caught with your pants down as you streak (pardon the pun) to the next closest bathroom? What if that bathroom is also void of tp? What if your whole household is dry of the comfort your bottom craves?
You're beginning to get that even more uncomfortable tingling feeling. You know where. You're cold. And probably feel disgusting. Your cellphone is buzzing in the next room. It occurs to you that maybe you could text someone an SOS, but if only you could reach the phone! Again, the problem of being caught in the nude arises.
Maybe you're in a bathroom that also has a shower. Do you remove the rest of your clothing and just rinse your whole body off? What if you're not? What if you have someplace to be in ten minutes and you've already dressed?
With another pitiful attempt to search under the sink, as you crane your body around the side of the vanity and over the side of the door (they never swing in your favor), you know it's impossible that a roll could have materialized in--no, wait! At last, sweet relief! You missed the back corner on your side of the cabinet. There, behind the spare economy bottle of shampoo, tucked in its dark little nook, your spool of heavenly plushness awaits. You have to half-stand to reach it, but reach it you do. Your fingers paw at the line where the tissue flap is adhered to the roll. You shred it a bit, and through a combination of impatience and utter bliss you retrieve far too much tp. You don't care, you've just been delivered.
Finally, your business is complete. You can flush the toilet and replace your clothing in comfort. You give your hands an extra long washing and you replace the empty roll with the new one. The savior.
Then you think back on who else has been home that day. Who was the last to use the bathroom? Who took the last of the precious tissue, leaving only that tiny flap, and walked away, dooming you to your moments of agony? Who?
I wish you all the best in tracking down the foul felonious fellow. If only those scoundrels could be tried for crimes against humanity and punished accordingly? What if they could be made to stack boxes of Charmin, Scott, Bounty, or the store's brand of toilet paper in the freezing cold and wearing wet pants? What if?
Alas, my friend, we don't live in such a world. All us survivors can do is take extra caution that regardless of whether we're taking a quick potty break at the mall or we're taking care of our morning business at home, we double check that roll- is there adequate tp for your toiletting needs? If not, is there a stash nearby? In the house somewhere? At your neighbors? Once you have done so and have completed your business, also be sure to do your part for society (or your household at large) and check the remaining tp roll. Is it appropriately supplied for the next patron? If it's looking on the low side, can you locate a new roll and place on the counter or the tank, providing back-up?
Whether you're a culprit or a victim or both, one final thing. For the love of God. When replacing the toilet paper, follow these steps EXACTLY:
1. Retrieve old, empty roll from the holder.
2. Throw empty roll in garbage.
3. Take new roll, put on holder.
See, not that difficult. Three easy steps.
Do your part, don't contribute to the un-replaced toilet paper role pandemic. You may even thank yourself some day.
Signed,
RF
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